Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
