They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
