umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
