I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
