I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
