good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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