My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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