I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
