Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The best revenge is premature balding
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
