I'm so fucking centered right now
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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