also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
