you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
