It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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