none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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