I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
