he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
