I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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