you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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