The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
