Im at strip club and am horny
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
