I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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