I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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