sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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