I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
