youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
