My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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