I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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