My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
