Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
