i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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