We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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