Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
