Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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