I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
