i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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