I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
