turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
