Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Little spoons don't ask big questions
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
