Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
