Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
