I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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