sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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