I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
