He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
