that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
