Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
