So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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