I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
