I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
