I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
